Friday, August 15, 2008

Early mornings




This is getting a little ridiculous.  I woke up first because of the heat- the bed sheet too hot for comfort and the window fan too obstructed by the sheer curtain to be effective.  I resorted to my secret weapon... the icepack. Your body temperature has to actually drop in order for it to give the green light to sleep, so some time ago I realized I could trick it on unbearably hot nights by wrapping an icepack in a kitchen towel and keeping it under my pillow between my two hands.  The towel keeps my fingers from getting too frozen and the residual cold usually makes it's way through the pillow to cool my head.  It's a great tool for beating the heat. 

But that didn't work.

Then I started thinking about how my potential future boss had called at least two of my references yesterday. Did they say the right things?  Did they give him faith that I'm up to the job?  I have no way of knowing, really but that didn't stop me from worrying.

Then I started thinking about all the things I won't be doing anymore in a few short days.  

  • I won't be walking past my father-in-law's office on my way to and from work- occasionally catching his eye and greeting him with a wave and a smile
  • I won't be a block or two from the best doughnuts in town at the Dahlia Bakery
  • I won't be just down the street from Kristen and all her exciting energy and new projects (not to mention her nascent ping pong league)
  • I won't get to see Kent at the Sunday market every week
  • I won't get to put off calling someone back because I know they're only ten minutes away and it's really that easy to get together
  • I won't [likely] be walking to work 
  • I won't be able to go to the Lab (and I'm completely going to miss their "Bring and Brag" session)
  • I won't be working with Mr.Mr. anymore... able to swing by his desk to get his opinion on something, lean on him when I've had a rough conversation, or steal a hug in the elevator just because I can
And really, what it all comes down to is that I won't be in Seattle anymore soon.  And as much as I tout Portland for it's low cost of living, great people, supportive art community, safe biking... whatever... it's not really going to be Seattle anymore.  And I think that's just hard when you get right down to it.  I think I've been trying to be firm about our move... giving everyone the impression that I couldn't be more sure of myself.  And part of that is for Mr.Mr.'s sake because he's putting some distance between himself and his family which is hard.  Part of that is so we won't be dissuaded by nostalgia and inertia when faced with the opportunity for growth and change.  But part of it is also so I won't wake up every morning at 4:00am thinking about all the things I won't be doing in Portland.

Because deep down I know that I will be doing a lot of great things in Portland.  It's just a little hard to see them this early in the morning.

1 comment:

megan B said...

My husband and I recently did a similar life-changing move, and though it was hard, it was the best thing we ever did.