Bruises be gone

I'm not sure how it happens, but right around summer time when I'm ::gasp:: ready to bare arms in tank tops and swimsuits (perhaps less so the latter), I start to notice all the tiny bruises I've somehow managed to inflict upon myself in my daily wanderings. I suspect some happen without my even noticing as most are smaller than a quarter, but there's always a fond memory or two of running into the coffee table or cutting a corner too close. Ahh, memories.

Fear not, my pallid friends- there's help out there for you and your splotchy spots! Brown Butterfly of Bellevue, WA makes a fantastic body oil called "Athlete" that contains natural ingredients helping to bring back the healthy coloring of your skin after a nasty bump. If I recall correctly (and with the help of my own bottle's label), among the fantastic ingredients of Athlete oil are arnica, sweet marjoram, black pepper, and hazelnut oil. Arnica is the sneaky little helper that works to heal your bruises, while the black pepper works like magic, creating a warming sensation as the oil meets friction, be it between your hands or working on weary muscles.

I first met Fran, the husband of BB's founder at one of the many summer festivals in Seattle when I worked a booth as regional brand manager for a national food company. Fran is the cutest, most sincere gentleman you'll come across at one of these events- unassuming and polite while offering a bevy of details about the products his wife has created. He patiently explained that Brown Butterfly's oils are processed differently than your average body oil which results in smaller beads (molecules?) that absorb into your skin more easily- leaving less of the residue that gives you that greasy afterglow... which is great. Plus- it smells heavenly. Earthy without the dirty mustiness of the natural oil black sheep- patchouli, and warm without the heavy-hitter scents such as cinnamon or clove.

You can find BB products online or at local farmer's markets throughout Seattle. I've had my 4 oz. bottle for probably four years- a little bit goes a long way, and the stuff has yet to go rancid or otherwise lose potency. Plus, the packaging is clever and minimal which is another winning feature. All in all- a must have for anyone who bruises easily or enjoys a nice back rub from time to time. Christmas in July, anyone?

Must have hair

Quick tip for ladies and gents seeing signs of the recession in their languishing locks: try a beauty school for a cut on the cheap. Recently I stopped into Phagans' School of Hair Design in NE Portland and inquired about a trim. I couldn't have been more shocked when the receptionist informed me I'd have to shell out only three dollars. You read that right, three dollars for a haircut (with a shampoo it would have been a couple bucks more). Now, I don't know about you but my wallet is tight these days and any time I can make a purchase with only the contents of my change bowl- I'm a happy lady.

It turns out Phagans' offers a steep discount on all services after 6:00pm to encourage patrons to support their evening students in their efforts to complete training hours. All services are performed under loose supervision of teachers with a final review and check to ensure clients are satisfied and the student has performed well. Bring a photo if you're looking for something specific or somewhat complicated and don't hesitate to ask for a student with more hours if you're concerned your style might require a little more skill. Be prepared for a little less small talk and your trim or color to take a bit longer than your traditional stylist as most students are very focused and take a deliberate pace to ensure accuracy.

All in all, you could easily have a luxurious night at Phagans' with shampoo, cut, color and nails for less than your average haircut anywhere else.

Phagans' School of Hair Design
1542 NE Weidler
Portland, Oregon 97232
503-239-0838

and

16550 SE McLoughlin Blvd.
Milwaukie, Oregon 97268
503-652-2668

Words of wisdom

"One of the worst traps
is finding yourself
despising someone
really good.

There they are
wearing a miniskirt
talking dirty
but washing
the filthy
feeding the hungry
defending the poor
befriending the dead.

& all you can
say in your
defense

is
their bleached hair
& studded
nostril
hardly goes
with so much
leg."

-Alice Walker (from Absolute Trust in the Goodness of the Earth)

Human feats

This is really long but play it in the background while you check your email and just remind yourself from time to time that these are people... not machines making these noises.

I really need to learn a skill... stat.

Sisterhood of the traveling [fat] pants

Okay folks. Do the math with me: 9 days divided by 9 pounds = NOT COOL. It would appear that while I gallivanted around the East Coast splinting days between siblings and palling around with the parents- I managed put on some serious weight. Perhaps they were sympathetic pounds for my sister who just gave birth? Oh wait- that's supposed to happen before the baby is born. Riiiiight.

So I'm stressing the seams on my fat pants and am resolving to get back into the gym, cut back on sweets, and generally eat more healthily. I'm hopeful I can stick to my guns but it ain't gonna be easy. When you love to bake as much as I do- it's hard to resist the sweet strains of a chocolate spice cake with hazelnut toffee sauce and toasted salt and pepper pecans or chewy molasses cookies encrusted with chunky sanding sugar (a la Not Martha). I made both this week for hospitality's sake, the former for a dinner we hosted at the house and the latter we brought to a friends house for a showing of Caprica.

The cake itself has risen to superstar dessert status in our house for its delicious decadence and crowd-pleaser promise. So, in order to free myself from the benevolent curse of being "only one who can bake it" which of course means I get to lick the spoons clean and snatch up errant crumbs, I am posting the recipe here for all to use. I guarantee you will love it. Almost as much as I do... if that's even possible.

Chocolate Spice Cake (adapted from Easy Cakes by Linda Collister)*

1 cup all purpose flour

1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder (+ extra for dusting pan)
1/2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

a pinch of salt

1 tsp ground cinnamon

3/4 - 1 tsp ground ginger (depending on your love of ginger)

1 1/4 cup firmly packed light brown sugar

1/4 cup safflower or canola oil

2 large eggs, beaten

2/3 cup sour cream

1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce

(Preheat oven to 350 and prepare baking pan (or cupcake pan) with nonstick spray and a dusting of unsweetened cocoa powder.)

Sift the flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, and ground ginger into a large bowl. Mix in the sugar and make a hollow in the center.

Put the oil, eggs, sour cream, and applesauce in another bowl and beat well. Add to the hollow in the dry ingredients and stir gently until thoroughly mixed.

Pour into the prepared pan and bake for 30-45 minutes depending on the pan (less for cupcakes, more for a sheet cake or bundt cake), or until a skewer inserted in the thickest part of the cake comes out clean.

Let cool in the pan for 10-20 minutes, then invert onto a wire rack and let cool. Serve at room temperature or slightly warm. Leftovers can be stored for about a week in an airtight container.

Hazelnut Toffee Sauce (adapted from same)

3/4 cup firmly packed moist light brown sugar

1 stick unsalted butter

1/4 cup heavy cream

1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract

3/4 tsp Frangelico or other hazelnut liquor

Put the sugar, butter, and cream in a small saucepan and heat gently until melted. Bring to a boil, then simmer for 3 minutes until thick and toffee-like. (I never really get to a super-thick state but it tastes delicious either way...) Pour into a heatproof pitcher and let cool. Stir in the vanilla and liquor. Depending on the final consistency, pour or spread over your cake to serve.

Toasted Salt and Pepper Pecans

1 1/2 cup shelled pecans (halved, whole, or crumbled)

1 tbsp salt

3 or 4 grinds of fresh pepper from a shaker

a few shots of canola cooking spray

Heat pecans in a nonstick pan over medium until you begin to smell the toastiness. Evenly spray the pecans lightly with canola oil spray and toss to just barely cover. Add salt and pepper and toss gently over medium heat until pecans are slightly browned. Remove from heat and transfer the pecans to a bowl. Either chop, crush, or pulverize as desired and sprinkle with wild abandon over your toffee covered cake.

Enjoy!

*This book was a fantastic find and I would recommend it to anyone- though not at the price listed at Amazon. I've had nothing but success with all of the recipes I've made, including the Citrus Summer Cake (see photo) and the tangy Lemon Curd. If you're in a pinch and need a fantastic, easy cake- I'd pick up this book.

I can't wait to have kids

If you promise I can take them to the dentist.



I wish Mr.Mr. had been even one fifth this loopy when he got his wisdom teeth out. Sadly, he was just a bloody, gauze-stuffed mess of limbs. I did, however, have to school him regularly on not smiling or talking, much like David's dad tells him not to touch the stitches. I think this should win best webernets video of the year. And they should send it in to America's Funniest Home Videos. I can't stand that show but the kid could easily get a year's worth of college tuition out of his narcotic-induced episode.

Maybe

Again with the commercials. Since I watch an alarming number of self-improvement shows (thank you TLC), I inadvertently watch a lot of self-improvement commercials. Whitening toothpaste, self-tanning moisturizers, feminine odor powders, hair dye, and of course, makeup. So much makeup. Fortunately, I'm almost 100% impervious to makeup commercials. I wear makeup for work or for special events. I have some makeup I've owned for, ::gasp:: six, seven, eight years? I use the same brush for my concealer and my lip liner. I use hairspray to kill spiders, not fly aways. And... listen up world wide webernets: I did my own makeup, with the ages old aforementioned supplies, supplemented with free samples from Sephora... for the "most important day of my life" - my wedding.

And I'm starting to think that these companies are just blatantly lying about what their products do for you... specifically when it comes to anything that's supposed to defy your age or make any part of your face longer, smaller, shorter, whatever. Which is where I take a beef with Maybelline. They have this new "Maybelline Lash Stiletto" that claims to lengthen (or stretch... ouch!, depending on who you consult) your lashes seductively, give it a shiny patent finish and strengthen and condition your lashes.

First- who needs to "condition and strengthen" their lashes? Are men (or ladies) just rubbin' up on your lashes and getting pricked and scratched, poked in the eyes? Don't those things fall out, like, every two days? Why waste time conditioning? Second- a "shiny patent finish?" How the hell are you supposed to know? Those things are like, microscopic! That's like saying that spider's legs have a shiny patent finish. Who could possibly tell? And lastly, this "lengthening." I call BS. Perhaps the mascara has a super science ability to clump up on your lashes and back up on itself in a linear, uniform way, which gives the illusion of a lengthened lash to the naked eye. But I guess that would be too much of a mouthful for their gorgeous spokesperson de jour.

Maybe it's Maybelline? Maybe they made it up.

Bastardized Panaforte Ice Cream

...Otherwise known as, "My Culinary Last Hurrah" in anticipation of a tonsillectomy.

(Adapted from David Lebovitz' The Perfect Scoop.)

1 cup half and half
3/4 cup sugar
1 cinnamon stick, broken in half
1/4 tsp ground cloves
1/4 tsp grated nutmeg (fresh if you're fancy)
1 cup 2% milk*
1 cup half and half*
4 large egg yolks
3 tbsp full-flavored honey
1 1/2 tbsp lemon zest*
1/4 cup minced tart, dried montmorency cherries*
1/2 cup pecans, toasted and coarsely chopped*

Warm the 1 cup half and half, sugar, and spices in a medium saucepan. Cover, remove from heat, and let steep for a half hour.

Rewarm the spice-infused mixture. Pour the cream into a large bowl and set a mesh strainer on top. In a separate medium bowl whisk together the egg yolks. Slowly pour the warm mixture into the egg yolks, whisking constantly to avoid cooking the eggs, then scrape the new mixture back into the original saucepan.

Stir the mixture constantly over medium heat using a heatproof spatula, scraping the bottom as you stir, until the mixture thickens to a light "custard" and it coats the back of the spatula. Pour the custard through the strainer and mix it into the cream. Discard the cinnamon stick. Stir the custard until cool over an ice bath. While it cools, warm the honey, then stir it into the custard.

Chill the mixture thoroughly in the refrigerator (overnight, preferably), then freeze it in your ice cream maker. During the last few minutes of churning, add the zest, chopped cherries, and pecan pieces.

*These ingredients have been adjusted from the original recipe. Let's hope all is well in the land of ice cream when I freeze it tomorrow afternoon. :)

A few of my favorite things

All I want for Christmas is:

-More chocolate pudding and Saltines
-Dexter Season Three to be available on Netflix and sent immediately to my house
-A shovel
-A miter saw
-A pair of pajamas that have feet
-For the tonsil fairy to come and take mine out, quickly and painlessly in my sleep (I'll leave a fifty under the pillow for any takers... seriously.)

In Sickness and In Saltiness

**DISCLAIMER** This may not be suitable for the weak of stomach.**DISCLAIMER**

I cannot talk and so I write. Just a quick update to say that I am fine now but spent yesterday morning between Urgent Care and the Ear Nose and Throat doctor's office getting pricked, probed, swabbed, and stuck in between rounds of sickness. I do not have strep but my right tonsil was heavily inflamed and the ultimate choice was to use a needle to repeatedly probe the area for infection. This was not fun. It was better than my lancing experience in Korea but only by a bit- mostly being able to understand what the doctor was saying and the lack of a two inch scalpel made a significant difference.

I am on heavy meds- more oxycodone, amoxycillan, dexasomething or other (a steroid to reduce the swelling), and a ton of aspirin. I'm eating lots of pudding, softened saltines, yogurt, and soup and have stopped being sick to my stomach which is a huge relief. Mr.Mr. has been remarkable. He held my hand, rubbed my back, endured my panicky cries of "it's too hot! I'm going to throw up!" and didn't protest when I snapped at him out of exhaustion. I really did pick the best of them. He also has stocked the house with soft foods and is indulging my desire to watch a whole disc of Sex in the City and has agreed to any romantic comedies I want. And we all know that takes a much stronger stomach than watching your wife spit bile into a plastic tub after being stuck with a needle in the roll of flab above her backside.

I should be able to talk in a day or so, should be healed from the infection within two weeks and will see the doctor on New Year's Eve (...celebrate good comes, come on!) to check in on my progress. If I heal fast enough, I may be able to have my tonsils out in the middle or the end of the month of January. I'm hopeful that we can call it done as soon as possible.

In between multiple hour naps, too much Stacey and Clinton, formulaic home decorating shows on A&E, HGTV, and OPB- I'll try and wrap up some long overdue posts and also write about a few other things I've been mulling over for the last week. I hope you're all doing well this crazy holiday season. Through snow or wind, sleet or hail- the New Year is coming and based on this year's cumulative, collective experiences- it can only get better from here. Right?

...I'll cross my fingers just in case.

Stay at home Salty

Just a heads up that your friend Salty is severely under the weather. I'm spending as much time as possible resting and hydrating so I can still share the holidays with relatives... without passing along another kind of special, bacterial gift.

The final leg of our SF journey is due, as are some fun updates and a couple of interesting links. Think healthy thoughts for me... I'll need them at this point.

Professional style

Having transitioned to a much more professional work environment, I've been trying to suss out what to wear and what not to wear. It's amazing (not to mention to a degree, upsetting) how quickly I realized the majority of my former "business casual" work wardrobe wouldn't pass muster. T-shirts? Out. Jeans? Out. the occasional flip-flop on unbearably sunny days? No. No. No.

To add to the change of threads, I've begun wearing makeup on a daily basis which is HUGE. I've never been your typical "girly girl..." painted to the hilt. And to be completely honest, I've had some of the makeup in my bag for more than seven years. ...Hey, when you only wear it five times a year, it takes a long time to use up a tube of mascara. So- I've got new mascara, powder, and foundation, AND I bought a whole new bunch of cleansers and some sunscreen for my face. Basically I figure if I'm loading that stuff on every day, I've gotta make sure I'm taking it off every night and protecting my skin to boot. Lots of changes.

But- my big question for you all is what to do with my hair? More specifically- I've always been a ponytailer. If it was long enough to be pulled back, it went in a ponytail. Even when it was uber short, they called me "paintbrush" in college because the little nub of hair I pulled back made a sort of brush on the back of my head. So I'm wondering... is a ponytail professionally acceptable? Are there height restrictions or looping rules? I know scrunchies are out but is there some sort of barrette or ::gasp:: modern banana clip device I should be using to tie back my tresses?

School me, please because I definitely can't sort it out on my own.

Photo courtesy of www.hji.co.uk.

You say it's your birthday?

It's my birthday too, yeah!

Today I celebrate another year of not dying by taking the day off, packing for the move, getting my brows waxed at Derby Salon, and having a delicious dinner with one handsome, Mr.Mr. I am one lucky lady.

Excellent bear image courtesy of google image search on"Congratulations."

Adding insult to injury

Nothing says "Happy Monday" like a probe down your nose.

Notice I didn't say "up my nose." The fact is, the "up" portion of your nose is just a way station to the long dive into your esophagus. How do I know this? Because bright and early on Monday morning I visited the friendly neighborhood Otolaryngologist who did just that. After asking me a barrage of questions about my sleeping, eating and breathing habits/problems, he used a device that vaguely resembled one of those paint guns used by airbrushed t-shirt vendors in malls across the country, to spray an anesthetic into my nose and down my throat. Small piece of advice? Avoid this process if you can. The anesthetic tastes of concentrated mold and the entire process is like shooting milk out your nose... in reverse. Not cool.

But really, the probe wasn't the worst of it. What really frosted me was that right before he shoved that thing with the articulated tip into one of my few facial orifices, he cocks his head to the right, narrows his eyes ever so slightly and asks, "Did you know your nose is crooked?" WHAT? Is it not enough that you're about to challenge my very strong gag reflex and take an intimate look at my inner workings a la Dennis Quaid in Innerspace? Do you really have to draw attention to a flaw that by your estimation is not only a) totally normal but b) not at ALL related to any of the problems I came to see you for? Really.

Someone needs to work on their bedside manner.